My mindset the last few days has been confused. Conflicted. Frustrated. And I had no idea why. A elementary school had been attacked. An unknown number of people had been shot and killed. Reports were few and far between regarding the events, but more details were being released as I paid attention to my Facebook feed and the news sites. Something began to eat at me. I wasn't sure what. I saw the arguments explode across the internet. The gun control comments. The, "Why God, why," exclamations. These caught my attention, but didn't hold it. But I started to gravitate to the comments regarding mental health. I read some articles. I watched and listened to some more coverage. I listened, and in some cases participated in, conversations about the shooter and the incident. I realized very early on that any answers we got would be wholly and cruelly unsatisfying. As I explored the situation within myself, continued to watch coverage my feelings began to clarify. My thoughts began to coherently gather themselves, and I forced myself to expose myself to memories I have not thought about in years.
I am going to preface this story with the comment that I have never been diagnosed with any disorder, nor do I think that I should be. But my history both personally and professionally is quite extensive with the mental health field. I worked for years in an after school program for children with a litany of physical and mental disorders, primarily Autism and Asbergers. The purpose of this blog was to document and communicate my time in Sitka, AK working with teenagers in a mental health setting. I have multiple years of personal therapy in my background.
I am not entirely sure where to start this whole story, or rather how. Or what purpose it serves.
I guess I will start when I was in grade school. I wasn't the most popular kid in my class of 22. In fact, the argument could be made that I was the least popular kid in it. My social skills were (and still remain) lacking. My inability to communicate with my peers led very quickly into frustration on both sides, from the eye rolls and feigned deafness to my comments on their side, to increasingly loud and intrusive interjections on mine. I was the kid in the corner with his nose always in the book. I was unathletic. Did not know how to assimilate myself into their group, and whatever ways I tried to work my way in were met with ridicule and derision. I got increasingly frustrated. And over the years that frustration turned to anger. As anyone who knew me at the time would tell you, I was far from a joy to be around. My fourth grade teacher noticed this and called a parent teacher conference. I remember bits and pieces of this exchange, but nothing serious, mainly me being asked if anything was wrong. Convinced I was about to get into trouble, I quickly made up a lie about having the same nightmare about monsters every night and that it was really bothering me. I 'developed' eye problems and after I took my eye test the doctor asked me to wait outside while he asked my mother if I was having any trouble at school. When she asked why he informed her that my eyes were better than alright and that he saw this in people who were having some problems in school. On the way home my mother asked me what was going on. I'm almost positive I quickly responded nothing.
Around this time, again, fourth grade, I began to realize that I wasn't getting any attention minding my own business; in fact, I was still being targeted by my classmates and nothing I could do would deter them. So I began to act out. My anger began to manifest itself. I mentioned before that I was unathletic and so I was always one of the last people picked in gym class. I would make sure that the person who picked me last or made fun of me for messing up in the field was repaid, usually in the classroom when one of their responses was wrong. This quickly spiraled into more ridicule and all the while I was trying to be everyone's friend. It was not a fun circle to be in. But I was getting some form of attention; people knew I was there and that I was around. Which was almost better than nothing.
I responded to all of this by feeding my anger.
It is incredibly easy to get and remain angry. I spent every school day hating school and feeding that anger with sleights, both real and imagined. Around this time I started having suicidal thoughts. Nothing crazy, and nothing imminent, but the thought of, 'maybe it would be better off if I wasn't around,' kept creeping in around the periphery. I struggled with so much on a day to day basis that I was not prepared to deal with, and did not know how to communicate it with anyone.
This continued for a few years, with me getting angrier and more unbearable to be around, and my classmates responding in kind. I spent every day on my paper route thinking about everything that had happened previously that day.
Then Columbine happened and everyone's attention focused on this, and in kind, the shooters. So much time and attention was put into trying to identify who they were and how they could do such a thing. I don't remember too much about it. But it was on everyone's consciousness. Around this time I threatened to shoot my class at graduation.
I don't remember the comment or to whom I made it to. I made up a story of the initial comment and convinced one of my classmates to corroborate it. But I know I made it. I also know I wasn't serious. But there was a new source of attention. The principal called me in to talk to me. Apparently the cops showed up one day, but I was home sick. Parents 'anonymously' called my house telling my parents to pull me out of school. People were talking about me.
Nothing really came of this, but I continued to get angrier. I continued to feed my addiction to hate. Comments were still being made. I continued to feed them, consumed with my new found love for attention. I began to think about not if I would do it (I never would have), but how I would do it. I had no access to firearms, but I never concerned myself with that because I would never need them. It's a hard thought to formalize, because I never actually thought of shooting anyone. I never pictured myself mowing anyone down. There was never anything fantasized, nothing imagined, no pleasure obtained. It was purely logistic. But it became easier and easier to think about.
At this point in the story, it had all but quieted down; I hadn't made any comments, and no one had brought them up in quite some time. But, after a tae kwon do lesson I made some comments, quite gleefully and impressed with myself, of what certain things, Pepto Bismol if I remember correctly, would do to the intestines of animals. That next day one of the people in that locker room who also happened to be the leader of my Boy Scout troop called my mother and told me about what I said. I remember the aftermath of that call incredibly vividly.
One of the most intelligent and compassionate people I know, my mother was in a condition I had never seen before. She was crying as she threw me in the couch. She told me about how embarrassed she was and how she couldn't keep getting phone calls like this. Tears streaming down her face she banished me to my room. I couldn't tell you how long I was there until the knock came on my door, but I remember being angry and thinking that I had done nothing wrong. My mom walked in and quietly sat down. She started by telling me how sorry she was and how much she loved me. She said that instead of reacting the way she should have, she should have realized that Chris was only calling because he cared about me and wanted her to be aware of what I was saying and doing. But she said it wasn't going to stop there. I was getting some help. And so I officially entered the mental health world.
I could continue here and explain everything that happened in my sessions, everything that I discussed with the woman who became the primary caretaker for my mental health. But that isn't the purpose of this post. The purpose is that I had people around me that cared enough about me not to simply ignore or gloss over what I was doing or saying. That those people had the means to take proper care of me, to bring me to a highly qualified individual who worked very hard to help me figure some things out. I was never medicated, and I was never institutionalized. I had people to continue to support me. My parents. My best friend, a young man in a wheelchair who was a few years older who I still converse with on a daily basis. The aforementioned fourth grade teacher. My ninth grade history teacher. People throughout college and my professional life. People who probably have no clue the impact they have had on my life, people who probably have no idea they saved my life, but who have helped me learn and evolve along every step. People who have shown so much love and understanding. People who I am not sure realize how much they mean to me.
It took me years to work through that anger. Anger that ebbed and flowed throughout my high school years, anger that still manifests itself in sarcasm and a defensive stance on almost everything. It is something that I struggle with keeping at bay, at focusing on what I have instead of what happened in the past. An anger whose capabilities I am terrified of if it had been allowed to continue to manifest and grow.
My story ties into the realities of the past week in a simple way: as a society we are focusing on the wrong thing. News vans are parked outside this family's community, prying apart his life and trying to figure him out. Answers we will not be receiving any time soon. I find myself drawn not to the details of his life or intentions, but rather the coverage. I find this young man's life being completely dissected and gone over in ways that I can state with almost 100% certainty never got 2% of that attention. Attention that I thrived off receiving 1% of 1% of the focus of. I made it a point to not pay attention to the young man or his life. But I am terrified of the angry, neglected individual who is seeing this same attention.
Over the next days and months much will be made about this. We will dissect this up and down. I implore us as a society to practically ignore the shooters and the people who commit these horrors. People will scream and yell on both sides of the gun control issue. People already have their polarizing views on the surrounding issues of the incident. I implore us to focus on the victims, humanize them, show us baby pictures and interview family members of how beautiful and happy they were, as opposed to how the criminal was a 'quiet and weird young man' who was a 'ticking time bomb,' who everyone always knew was a little off.
I have no idea if this came off on any level of coherence. Maybe I should delete it right away and file it away in the revisit every couple months and thank God that it never went farther. But that would be ignoring the issue. I have no clue how many people out there have thought about these things, about how people need to be more aware of what is going on around them as opposed to ignoring it and hoping it goes away. Because it never does.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, July 12, 2010
Busy few months
So this whole, 'it's light until 11 PM' thing is pretty sweet. But it leaves me little time for anything because I am taking advantage of it. Lame excuse? Yeah. But a valid one if you spend time here. Things just get lost in the daylight :). But there have been some big changes and some awesome times. So I will try to highlight these for you:
Schoooooooooooool's out/ For the Summer!
School got out at the end of May, and with that I switched full time to the Hanson House. Which is fantastic. From 7am - 3pm I play taxi for the residents. It certainly has its ups and downs. The mood and energy swings are sometimes incredibly draining, and friends often get the, 'We are going for a drink later' text from me pretty early on. But at the same time I love the kids and they are great. Just don't try to tell them that, they will deny it to their dying day.
Kristin's Visit
So my good friend from college was able to visit at the same time three JVs from Juneau were able to make it in. We had a Top Gun themed party. We all wore aviators. Some showed up in flight suits. It was awesome. Kristin and I then got to spend some time tramping up mountains, watching 'How I Met Your Mother,' and just had a pretty great time reconnecting at my favorite places around town. Oh, and she told my roommates that they don't hit me enough. Glad she's going to be living two hours away from me...
Hope, Alaska
Take 23 Alaskan Jesuit Volunteers. Put them in a retreat center in a town of 56 people. Add an interesting old Jesuit. Add two area directors. And finally schedule it during a weekend of a 'secret' bluegrass festival, and you have a pretty fantastic time. And yet bittersweet. These people, as I have written in the past, are great, and it was hard to say good bye to many of them. It also made the retreat aspect of the weekend difficult to look forward to. I kept finding my mind wandering to the breaks and when we were going to get to hang out again as opposed to the spirituality that I was supposed to be focusing on. Whoops. But it was a fun weekend. And it led into...
Denali!
Wow. Words cannot describe how incredible this national park is. After months of planning and anticipation we each strapped packs to our backs in excess of 40 pounds, hopped on a bus, and got dropped off by the side of the road at a spot, and trekked into the wilderness. Wow. There were some not so great moments: bushwacking through chest high brush in a marsh. Climbing a 2000 foot ridge to get into another valley. Having to make sure all our 'smellies' were in the bear-proof containers that we were provided with and place those 100 yards away. But with that came the knowledge that we were miles and miles from the nearest human. I also got to see Denali (Mt. McKinley's native name) on my first day, so that was awesome. Then after three nights, we got back to the road and hopped on a bus and made our way to Anchorage for a few more days of hanging out with some Juneau and Anchorage JVs. Watched some World Cup. Drank some drinks. Watched some movies. Explored Anchorage. Good times.
So my family came. Right after we got back from Denali. Great planning Greg...
My parents, Emma, and Christopher came to visit for a week (we missed you Erin!), and it was a lot of fun. Though I had to work most of the time we got to do a bunch. The highlight was probably the Herring Cove to Beaver Lake hike we did, where we spent two hours walking around my favorite hike in Sitka. We had a cook out with a few other visiting families and our Sitkan friends. I made them take me to all the restaurants I have wanted to try but cannot afford. Got to give them crap about everything. And we went on a charter. Where Emma caught the biggest king. Big shock there. But it was really hard to say good bye to them. Having them here was a huge reminder of how much I love and miss them, and I am looking forward to that next step, being closer to them.
So I guess I should clarify that next step. The timeline goes as such. Less than three weeks of my JV year remain. I will be staying in Sitka working for Hanson House until the 19th, when I will shoot down to Seattle and join Zach for a trip that will go from Seattle to St. Louis and back again. I will then fly back to Buffalo and be there for a month or so, depending on a few different things, people I need to visit, etc. Then, in the first month of October or so, I will be moving to Albany, NY to work for my uncle. And that, my dear friends, is my next step. Big stuff, I know :). But I am excited about it.
One more thing before I leave you for the next month or so :). As many of you know, I lost a dear friend of mine my senior year of high school, Mike Neary. Many times during this year I have found myself thinking of him and talking to him, asking him for guidance and just letting him know what has been going on. But every once in a while he decides to interfere a little bit. A little before his death, Mike heard this song a few different places and introduced it to me. This song has been difficult, at times, for me to listen to because of the emotions it causes to run over my heart. Well, one of the big things I am always working with my kids on is controlling their emotions, primarily their anger. Not an easy task. But one method that I use a lot is encourage them to remove themselves from the situation and listen to music, one that does work well, at the very least just for a cool down period. We were driving in the car on the way home from somewhere last week and the aforementioned song came on over the iPod (they have a car adapter). One kid perked up and goes, 'I use this song to cool down all the time!' Two others said the same thing. After I recovered from my initial shock and made some comment along the lines of, 'Yeah, it's a pretty chill song,' I reflected on how awesome that was. It was just one more of those, 'Thanks Mike,' moments added to the pile.
Schoooooooooooool's out/ For the Summer!
School got out at the end of May, and with that I switched full time to the Hanson House. Which is fantastic. From 7am - 3pm I play taxi for the residents. It certainly has its ups and downs. The mood and energy swings are sometimes incredibly draining, and friends often get the, 'We are going for a drink later' text from me pretty early on. But at the same time I love the kids and they are great. Just don't try to tell them that, they will deny it to their dying day.
Kristin's Visit
So my good friend from college was able to visit at the same time three JVs from Juneau were able to make it in. We had a Top Gun themed party. We all wore aviators. Some showed up in flight suits. It was awesome. Kristin and I then got to spend some time tramping up mountains, watching 'How I Met Your Mother,' and just had a pretty great time reconnecting at my favorite places around town. Oh, and she told my roommates that they don't hit me enough. Glad she's going to be living two hours away from me...
Hope, Alaska
Take 23 Alaskan Jesuit Volunteers. Put them in a retreat center in a town of 56 people. Add an interesting old Jesuit. Add two area directors. And finally schedule it during a weekend of a 'secret' bluegrass festival, and you have a pretty fantastic time. And yet bittersweet. These people, as I have written in the past, are great, and it was hard to say good bye to many of them. It also made the retreat aspect of the weekend difficult to look forward to. I kept finding my mind wandering to the breaks and when we were going to get to hang out again as opposed to the spirituality that I was supposed to be focusing on. Whoops. But it was a fun weekend. And it led into...
Denali!
Wow. Words cannot describe how incredible this national park is. After months of planning and anticipation we each strapped packs to our backs in excess of 40 pounds, hopped on a bus, and got dropped off by the side of the road at a spot, and trekked into the wilderness. Wow. There were some not so great moments: bushwacking through chest high brush in a marsh. Climbing a 2000 foot ridge to get into another valley. Having to make sure all our 'smellies' were in the bear-proof containers that we were provided with and place those 100 yards away. But with that came the knowledge that we were miles and miles from the nearest human. I also got to see Denali (Mt. McKinley's native name) on my first day, so that was awesome. Then after three nights, we got back to the road and hopped on a bus and made our way to Anchorage for a few more days of hanging out with some Juneau and Anchorage JVs. Watched some World Cup. Drank some drinks. Watched some movies. Explored Anchorage. Good times.
So my family came. Right after we got back from Denali. Great planning Greg...
My parents, Emma, and Christopher came to visit for a week (we missed you Erin!), and it was a lot of fun. Though I had to work most of the time we got to do a bunch. The highlight was probably the Herring Cove to Beaver Lake hike we did, where we spent two hours walking around my favorite hike in Sitka. We had a cook out with a few other visiting families and our Sitkan friends. I made them take me to all the restaurants I have wanted to try but cannot afford. Got to give them crap about everything. And we went on a charter. Where Emma caught the biggest king. Big shock there. But it was really hard to say good bye to them. Having them here was a huge reminder of how much I love and miss them, and I am looking forward to that next step, being closer to them.
So I guess I should clarify that next step. The timeline goes as such. Less than three weeks of my JV year remain. I will be staying in Sitka working for Hanson House until the 19th, when I will shoot down to Seattle and join Zach for a trip that will go from Seattle to St. Louis and back again. I will then fly back to Buffalo and be there for a month or so, depending on a few different things, people I need to visit, etc. Then, in the first month of October or so, I will be moving to Albany, NY to work for my uncle. And that, my dear friends, is my next step. Big stuff, I know :). But I am excited about it.
One more thing before I leave you for the next month or so :). As many of you know, I lost a dear friend of mine my senior year of high school, Mike Neary. Many times during this year I have found myself thinking of him and talking to him, asking him for guidance and just letting him know what has been going on. But every once in a while he decides to interfere a little bit. A little before his death, Mike heard this song a few different places and introduced it to me. This song has been difficult, at times, for me to listen to because of the emotions it causes to run over my heart. Well, one of the big things I am always working with my kids on is controlling their emotions, primarily their anger. Not an easy task. But one method that I use a lot is encourage them to remove themselves from the situation and listen to music, one that does work well, at the very least just for a cool down period. We were driving in the car on the way home from somewhere last week and the aforementioned song came on over the iPod (they have a car adapter). One kid perked up and goes, 'I use this song to cool down all the time!' Two others said the same thing. After I recovered from my initial shock and made some comment along the lines of, 'Yeah, it's a pretty chill song,' I reflected on how awesome that was. It was just one more of those, 'Thanks Mike,' moments added to the pile.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Something a little different
So the past two weeks or so have been pretty solid. The last few days were rough on a few fronts, but nothing that was too awful. But here's the deal. I have a few things I am going to launch into, but then going to go over the top 5 new artists I have discovered since I have been in Alaska. Sound like a plan? Great.
Last weekend we went camping as a house. One of our friends, T, gave us a ride to Pirate's Cove, a pretty cool little place that was about a 15 minute boat ride from downtown. Kind of a training trip for Denali, if you will. We explored the little island a little, climbing on, over, and around rocks. We set up a few tents and sat under the stars by the fire drinking wine, roasting marshmallows, and just sitting around talking. We got to watch the tide come in, and it was all in sight of Mt. Edgecumbe. Awesome. Oh yeah, and there was this giant fishing net set up as a hammock that was incredibly comfortable; Nick, Katie and I all slept on it. It was a pretty fantastic night.
Cruise ships are back. Town is significantly more crowded. And annoying. The amount of conversations I have had with locals about how annoying it is to deal with them on a consistent basis...I avoid town and stuff. But at the same time, there is a new energy in town, and it is pretty cool to look outside and see a giant cruise ship anchored right in front of my window. Good with the bad, I suppose.
Alright, the top music I have discovered since coming to Alaska:
1.) Monsters of Folk
This band is a collaboration of people I have been listening to for some time now. Consisting of Jim James (lead singer of My Morning Jacket), Conor Oberst (lead singer of Bright Eyes), M. Ward (She & Him), and Mike Mogis (drummer for Bright Eyes/producer), each of them takes time to write pretty incredible music for this band. In some songs, the signature of each singer is evident. But at the same time, they all find a way to work together and integrate their musical style into each song, and it all blends together for a pretty great collaboration. Unfortunately they only stayed together for one album and tour. Thanks to Trevor in Anchorage for this find.
Dear God (sincerely, M.O.F.) -
2.) Eric Hutchinson
Think Jason Mraz, just not as talented vocally or musically and a little more stripped down, but that in no way is a slight towards Eric. His debut album, "Sounds Like This," is a lot of fun and yet deep at the same time. I guess he had a pretty big hit last year, called, "Rock and Roll," but I hadn't heard it until this year. Not sure how much more I could say here other than that. Probably the most 'mainstream' music on this list.
Outside Villanova -
3.) Portugal. The Man.
Thanks again to Trevor for this bad boy. Portugal is a band from Wasilla, which is a town north of Anchorage. Their album, "The Satanic Satanist," is a solid record from start to finish. The closest band that I can think of is My Morning Jacket, but I could be wrong in that. This record is one that I have listened to a few times, but have a hard time getting a feel for. I more than like it, but still cannot pinpoint why. Musically, it's a great album. Lyrically, it's a great album. But again, cannot tell you why.
In the Sun -
4.) Pete Yorn
Ok, so I suppose this one is a little questionable on the 'new music' front, because I had been hearing about Mr. Yorn for a few years now, just never went out of my way to listen to him. But then I stumbled on his 'musicforthemorningafter' and was hooked. His voice is, for lack of a better term, haunting. I don't find it particularly good, but it really fits for the music he writes. 'Nightcrawler' is a good album. His collaboration with Scarlett Johannson was a pretty solid effort. But 'musicforthemorningafter' is still his favorite album of mine by far.
Strange Condition
5.) The Raconteurs
Jack White can do no wrong. 'Consolers of the Lonely' is a phenomenal album. While I have always enjoyed his work with the White Stripes over the years I had yet to pick up anything by the project. Whoops. Jeff, one of my coworkers, highly recommended this album to me, and thankfully I listened to him. I don't want to see too effusive with my praise for this album, I can really find no fault with it. Probably my favorite album on this list (although MOF is right up there as well), I have yet to find a mood in which I cannot listen to 'Consolers.' Good work Jack.
Salute Your Solution -
So there it is. The Top 5 Artists that I have discovered since being in Alaska. Pretty solid music in all. Joshua Radin was close to making this list, but just got beat out. He is worth checking out if you get the chance though.
Big week coming up. Paddy and Nicole get in from Juneau Thursday. Kristin gets in on Friday. Top Gun party Saturday. Cannot wait.
Last weekend we went camping as a house. One of our friends, T, gave us a ride to Pirate's Cove, a pretty cool little place that was about a 15 minute boat ride from downtown. Kind of a training trip for Denali, if you will. We explored the little island a little, climbing on, over, and around rocks. We set up a few tents and sat under the stars by the fire drinking wine, roasting marshmallows, and just sitting around talking. We got to watch the tide come in, and it was all in sight of Mt. Edgecumbe. Awesome. Oh yeah, and there was this giant fishing net set up as a hammock that was incredibly comfortable; Nick, Katie and I all slept on it. It was a pretty fantastic night.
Cruise ships are back. Town is significantly more crowded. And annoying. The amount of conversations I have had with locals about how annoying it is to deal with them on a consistent basis...I avoid town and stuff. But at the same time, there is a new energy in town, and it is pretty cool to look outside and see a giant cruise ship anchored right in front of my window. Good with the bad, I suppose.
Alright, the top music I have discovered since coming to Alaska:
1.) Monsters of Folk
This band is a collaboration of people I have been listening to for some time now. Consisting of Jim James (lead singer of My Morning Jacket), Conor Oberst (lead singer of Bright Eyes), M. Ward (She & Him), and Mike Mogis (drummer for Bright Eyes/producer), each of them takes time to write pretty incredible music for this band. In some songs, the signature of each singer is evident. But at the same time, they all find a way to work together and integrate their musical style into each song, and it all blends together for a pretty great collaboration. Unfortunately they only stayed together for one album and tour. Thanks to Trevor in Anchorage for this find.
Dear God (sincerely, M.O.F.) -
2.) Eric Hutchinson
Think Jason Mraz, just not as talented vocally or musically and a little more stripped down, but that in no way is a slight towards Eric. His debut album, "Sounds Like This," is a lot of fun and yet deep at the same time. I guess he had a pretty big hit last year, called, "Rock and Roll," but I hadn't heard it until this year. Not sure how much more I could say here other than that. Probably the most 'mainstream' music on this list.
Outside Villanova -
3.) Portugal. The Man.
Thanks again to Trevor for this bad boy. Portugal is a band from Wasilla, which is a town north of Anchorage. Their album, "The Satanic Satanist," is a solid record from start to finish. The closest band that I can think of is My Morning Jacket, but I could be wrong in that. This record is one that I have listened to a few times, but have a hard time getting a feel for. I more than like it, but still cannot pinpoint why. Musically, it's a great album. Lyrically, it's a great album. But again, cannot tell you why.
In the Sun -
4.) Pete Yorn
Ok, so I suppose this one is a little questionable on the 'new music' front, because I had been hearing about Mr. Yorn for a few years now, just never went out of my way to listen to him. But then I stumbled on his 'musicforthemorningafter' and was hooked. His voice is, for lack of a better term, haunting. I don't find it particularly good, but it really fits for the music he writes. 'Nightcrawler' is a good album. His collaboration with Scarlett Johannson was a pretty solid effort. But 'musicforthemorningafter' is still his favorite album of mine by far.
Strange Condition
5.) The Raconteurs
Jack White can do no wrong. 'Consolers of the Lonely' is a phenomenal album. While I have always enjoyed his work with the White Stripes over the years I had yet to pick up anything by the project. Whoops. Jeff, one of my coworkers, highly recommended this album to me, and thankfully I listened to him. I don't want to see too effusive with my praise for this album, I can really find no fault with it. Probably my favorite album on this list (although MOF is right up there as well), I have yet to find a mood in which I cannot listen to 'Consolers.' Good work Jack.
Salute Your Solution -
So there it is. The Top 5 Artists that I have discovered since being in Alaska. Pretty solid music in all. Joshua Radin was close to making this list, but just got beat out. He is worth checking out if you get the chance though.
Big week coming up. Paddy and Nicole get in from Juneau Thursday. Kristin gets in on Friday. Top Gun party Saturday. Cannot wait.
Monday, May 3, 2010
So yeah, I still suck
Alright, so apparently my wish to update these more often has...well, I have downright failed. Sorry. Things here have been crazy and awesome and frustrating and...well, I suppose par for the course. But it has been a great few months. I will try to sum it up right...about...now!
So when I last updated we had just gotten back from our winter retreat in Juneau. That was a long time ago. Since then, the biggest change has been, by far, the complete lack of sunlight transitioning to almost constant light. Today, for instance, the sun rose at 5:08 am and will set at 8:49 pm. This is awesome and frustrating all at the same time. Awesome because there is just so much more to do with my day. When I get home at 6, I cant still settle down, relax, but then can still walk around, can still check everything out. Head down to the beach at low tide, just hang out on the back porch, go for a walk down to Totem Park. Soon I will be able to get back and just go for a hike. These things are pretty freaking baller to be able to do while in Sitka, AK. The flip side of that is that my concept of time is completely shot. For months I was just used to eating around the time it got dark. Now? I look at the clock and it is 8 pm and I still haven't had dinner. And I had no idea it was 8! So often this is the case; we will be sitting around and someone will ask, "Well, what are we thinking for dinner?" Then someone comments, "Oh, is it almost time for dinner?" and we all sit up and realize, oh hey, we haven't eaten yet. But I suppose that is just a small frustration.
Work has been pretty solid so far. Came to the realization a few weeks ago that I just couldn't do this for the rest of my life, work with teens. Maybe if I had the mindset for it, but it is just draining. If it were consistently rough all the time or consistently great then I could have the energy for it. But the constant swings from a positive energy to a negative energy and back again just takes a ton out of me. I also am slightly frustrated with my time at the school, which has basically turned into a series of 5 minute check ins throughout the day. While the kids have told me that it is reassuring having me there, and they all notice when I am not there, they just don't need me all that much. Well, at least in the capacity that I am there for. But that will be over in the next four weeks or so, and I will be at Hanson House full time, which I am looking forward to.
But all the same, I love some of the conversations that I have with the kids. I love the transformations that I am privy to, watching switches flip and break throughs made. I have come to really embrace the blow ups because I know that the conversations that are going to progress from those blow ups are really where the real progress is made (however, embracing them doesn't mean I have to like dealing with them in the moment :)). But I also love the little victories. When one of the kid answers the phone properly. When I get a thank you where there previously was no thank you. When someone drops the f-bomb in the house and before I say a word they catch themselves and apologize. Dinner time is awesome because everyone, staff and residents, come together and there are some pretty impressive conversations that happen within the group. Hanson House is a pretty dynamic and awesome place, and a place that I have been blessed with in my time in Alaska and as a JV.
Another big event was Folk Fest. Every year in Juneau there is a big music festival and JVs usually show up. This year about 20 of us attended and it was unbelievable. One of the most significant differences I have found between JVC down south and JVC: Alaska is that different communities don't really interact. We have orientation and three retreats. I can't just get up and drive to visit Anchorage and Bethel, which kind of sucks. But we did have this one weekend. We descended upon the Juneau house en masse, heading out early and getting in late. Some pretty awesome conversations were had, and the memories that were formed were pretty incredible. We didn't really listen to too much music, but we tore up the dance floor of any place that we went, generally shoving our way to the front of the crowd and making new friends who may or may not go to Boston College. I love the fact that I have the opportunity to meet these people and come in contact with them, but I hate the fact that I never get to see them. But this weekend was a pretty great one.
Other than that, Sitka is pretty great. I suppose the biggest transition over the last few months is our niche. The friends we have made have gone from being friends with one or two of us to friends with most if not all of us. I have developed pretty close relationships with people who aren't a part of our immediate community, and these people have been invaluable to my experience here thus far. Also, visitors are starting to descend upon us. Beginning at the end of the month we have about a month and a half of just jam packed visitors. Two JVs from Juneau are coming to visit, as is Kristin, one of my best friends from college. Then a few randoms, then we go on retreat in Anchorage, followed up with a backpacking trip in Denali National Park. We get back from that June 21st, my family arrives June 23rd, and every single person who has some sort of genetic relation to Katie arrives on the 24th. I cannot wait, it is going to be a pretty incredible time.
And with that, I bid you all adieu. Sorry once more for the time lapse between posts.
So when I last updated we had just gotten back from our winter retreat in Juneau. That was a long time ago. Since then, the biggest change has been, by far, the complete lack of sunlight transitioning to almost constant light. Today, for instance, the sun rose at 5:08 am and will set at 8:49 pm. This is awesome and frustrating all at the same time. Awesome because there is just so much more to do with my day. When I get home at 6, I cant still settle down, relax, but then can still walk around, can still check everything out. Head down to the beach at low tide, just hang out on the back porch, go for a walk down to Totem Park. Soon I will be able to get back and just go for a hike. These things are pretty freaking baller to be able to do while in Sitka, AK. The flip side of that is that my concept of time is completely shot. For months I was just used to eating around the time it got dark. Now? I look at the clock and it is 8 pm and I still haven't had dinner. And I had no idea it was 8! So often this is the case; we will be sitting around and someone will ask, "Well, what are we thinking for dinner?" Then someone comments, "Oh, is it almost time for dinner?" and we all sit up and realize, oh hey, we haven't eaten yet. But I suppose that is just a small frustration.
Work has been pretty solid so far. Came to the realization a few weeks ago that I just couldn't do this for the rest of my life, work with teens. Maybe if I had the mindset for it, but it is just draining. If it were consistently rough all the time or consistently great then I could have the energy for it. But the constant swings from a positive energy to a negative energy and back again just takes a ton out of me. I also am slightly frustrated with my time at the school, which has basically turned into a series of 5 minute check ins throughout the day. While the kids have told me that it is reassuring having me there, and they all notice when I am not there, they just don't need me all that much. Well, at least in the capacity that I am there for. But that will be over in the next four weeks or so, and I will be at Hanson House full time, which I am looking forward to.
But all the same, I love some of the conversations that I have with the kids. I love the transformations that I am privy to, watching switches flip and break throughs made. I have come to really embrace the blow ups because I know that the conversations that are going to progress from those blow ups are really where the real progress is made (however, embracing them doesn't mean I have to like dealing with them in the moment :)). But I also love the little victories. When one of the kid answers the phone properly. When I get a thank you where there previously was no thank you. When someone drops the f-bomb in the house and before I say a word they catch themselves and apologize. Dinner time is awesome because everyone, staff and residents, come together and there are some pretty impressive conversations that happen within the group. Hanson House is a pretty dynamic and awesome place, and a place that I have been blessed with in my time in Alaska and as a JV.
Another big event was Folk Fest. Every year in Juneau there is a big music festival and JVs usually show up. This year about 20 of us attended and it was unbelievable. One of the most significant differences I have found between JVC down south and JVC: Alaska is that different communities don't really interact. We have orientation and three retreats. I can't just get up and drive to visit Anchorage and Bethel, which kind of sucks. But we did have this one weekend. We descended upon the Juneau house en masse, heading out early and getting in late. Some pretty awesome conversations were had, and the memories that were formed were pretty incredible. We didn't really listen to too much music, but we tore up the dance floor of any place that we went, generally shoving our way to the front of the crowd and making new friends who may or may not go to Boston College. I love the fact that I have the opportunity to meet these people and come in contact with them, but I hate the fact that I never get to see them. But this weekend was a pretty great one.
Other than that, Sitka is pretty great. I suppose the biggest transition over the last few months is our niche. The friends we have made have gone from being friends with one or two of us to friends with most if not all of us. I have developed pretty close relationships with people who aren't a part of our immediate community, and these people have been invaluable to my experience here thus far. Also, visitors are starting to descend upon us. Beginning at the end of the month we have about a month and a half of just jam packed visitors. Two JVs from Juneau are coming to visit, as is Kristin, one of my best friends from college. Then a few randoms, then we go on retreat in Anchorage, followed up with a backpacking trip in Denali National Park. We get back from that June 21st, my family arrives June 23rd, and every single person who has some sort of genetic relation to Katie arrives on the 24th. I cannot wait, it is going to be a pretty incredible time.
And with that, I bid you all adieu. Sorry once more for the time lapse between posts.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I have to get better with these things...
So it has been a bit of time since I have last updated. Sorry about that. I believe in my last post I said that a lot happened over break that I was still sorting through. That is still sort of true, but I have spent a lot of time sorting through a lot of that and things are significantly more clear now than they were even a month ago or so. Which works for me.
Alright, so last month or so. Work wise, not a ton going on. Still holding strong at the school and house, typical problems and issues. One thing that sucks for me but is awesome for my clients is the amount of people we have seen graduate the program and go home. Sucks for me because my case load has shrunk significantly, but great for the kids who get to go home. I feel torn about that too though because a lot of these kids were in the positions that they were in because of their situations at home. I suppose the best I can hope for is that they keep in mind all that they have learned during their time in Sitka and at the Hanson House. But no hugely entertaining stories for you guys.
Community wise, we have pretty much settled into our routines and work places which is pretty great. We are all slowly learning more and more about each other, which is also pretty fantastic. Jamie, our area director, came through again for a few days to spend time with us and talk with us about the year so far, and that was good for everyone. What came out of it is that we all really care about each other but are still striving to stay present with each other and work together to make our community an even stronger place to live, which is a pretty great conclusion to a visit, methinks.
We had a really fun night a few weeks ago. For the Super Bowl we went to one of the Americorps houses. We watched the games, hung around, ate some food, and had some good times. But then the game ended. At 6 PM. We all looked around and said, “What now?” Well, things settled down pretty quickly. Beer pong was engaged. Flip cup was played. Beer was consumed. We all just had a really good time with each other, heckling each other, making fun of each other, and just generally hanging out with a bunch of our friends. I think that is one of the nicer things about my community. We don’t drink a lot, and we drink in moderation. But we can also go out and have a really fun time. We appreciate the ability to let loose and have fun, but still keep it constructive. I have been drunk a few times with these people, and have loved every minute of it. It’s a good time for all. That and my community members say some pretty ridiculous stuff.
On an aside, it is tough sometimes to write these. As time goes on and as I have settled into my routine, things stay pretty similar. Sure, things change, but at the same time they are pretty subtle. Because of the confidentiality I have to maintain I can’t really talk about stuff that goes on at work. There is a lot that happens within my community, but at the same time I don’t feel I can talk about everything that happens here. Then there are all the things that are happening personally, but this isn’t always the forum for that. So sorry again for the delay, I seem to have hit a patch of writers block. And thank you for your patience.
Alright, one major thing did happen over the last month. We reconvened with all the other Alaskan communities in Juneau for our winter retreat. The setting was gorgeous. It was at the Shrine of St. Therese, right in the middle of the channel. We saw all sorts of things. Sea lions played right in front of us. Orcas and humpbacks swam by us. Orcas also massacred sea lions in front of us. With eagles soaring overhead. The grounds were beautiful. The people were awesome. I love coming back together with these people, even though I barely know many of them. But it is awesome talking about what it is that we do, our struggles, how our communities are getting along, and just connecting. Something about being in Alaska just brings people together. But we all were able to let loose and just be with each other. Our first stop may have had something to do with that. We all met up at the Alaskan Brewery after the Bethel group had landed, and the tour was awesome. The Alaskan brews are so good, and it was free and unlimited. I will be going back at some point in the near future. Then we all went and got ready to move out to the shrine. The retreat itself was on social justice, and the two women who led it allowed us to explore what social justice specifically means to us. What follows is the result of that.
‘Social Justice’ is always a term I have had problems defining for myself. Sure, there are all the textbook definitions, the theoretical discussions, the countless writings on the subject. But I have never really understood what it meant to me, even after taking a semester-long class on the subject. I wrote the following in my journal following the first reflection, in which we were asked to define social justice: “To me, social justice is striving to do right for those people around me, whether it be my community members, my family, or the population I serve. It means taking the time to listen to someone if they have had a bad day, or making the effort to rearrange someone’s schedule so they can play basketball. Or it means striving to change the system that allows people to slip through the cracks, to not get the attention they deserve.” Rereading that and reflecting on it, that definition seems too simple, too easy. But I realized that social justice doesn’t need to be complicated; in many cases, it needs to be simple. Seeking to simplify issues, to strip them down, makes seemingly impossible tasks attainable, by pinpointing certain objectives, by taking things day-by-day.
But then I took it one step further. My house recently started watching ‘Lost’ (awful decision, now we are hooked), and in a recent episode, Charlie is reflecting on his life and he flashes back to a moment where he saves a woman from a mugging in an alley. When he commented that anyone would have stopped and helped, he was informed that three people saw what was going on and continued down the road. During my next meditation I wrote the following: “Social awareness might be my greatest understanding of social justice…[but] Social justice means not to just simply be aware, but that you need to act on that awareness.” Intentions are great things. But they need to be acted upon. All of us have seen things that have prompted the thought, “That sucks, I should do something to help,” but then continued on our way. I am guilty of that on multiple occasions. Those times that we are able to see an injustice and act to rectify that injustice are the times when we accomplishing social justice.
I came to a pretty significant realization during this weekend, which came in a later part of the weekend. I kept coming back to the word ‘respect.’ This is a huge word while working with teens, or maybe that’s just the opposite word that I am used to hearing. But while I need to have respect for the people who I am working with, they also have to have respect for me. If my clients don’t respect me or the work I am attempting to do with them, there is not growth. They won’t listen to me or, more importantly, work with me if that lack of respect is present. But I also need to respect myself, and they have to respect themselves, otherwise nothing of note can be achieved. So much focus in social justice is on the marginalized, while not that much, in my experience, is on those practitioners of social justice, who strive for that justice every day. Oh, we hear about the incredible examples, the Ghandi’s and the Mother Theresa’s, but very rarely do social justice texts, at least the ones I have come across, mention those in the front line, dealing directly with people on a daily basis. I don’t want to make this statement and then have somebody say, “But what about…” So if you know of anything, let me know. And this is starting to get too incoherent, so I guess my point here is that respect needs to be present for all parties involved for anything to truly get accomplished.
Finally, we were asked what the ingredients of social justice were. The words I wrote down were empathy, selflessness, awareness, respect, restlessness, and effort. Any other additions? I am interested in your thoughts.
There is a lot going through my head regarding this topic. I suppose I am one of those ‘front liners’ this year, and I need to work on some of these things myself. To be a part of the conversation on social justice is such a privilege. Too many people are probably unaware of the issue, much less have the ability to devote time and energy to thinking about it. I doubt many of my kids are thinking about it, if any of them are. Tough stuff, and a tough concept to wrap one’s head about. Them’s the musings.
It was a good weekend. I hung around with some JV’s from Anchorage following the retreat, and we ended the night at the bishop’s, who made us lasagna. Great guy. Not a lot of time left until Folk Fest, in April, when more than 20 JV’s plus a ton of FJV’s will be descending upon Juneau for the weekend. I cannot wait to see some people again.
I hope everyone is doing well! As always, I miss everyone and want to hear from people.
Alright, so last month or so. Work wise, not a ton going on. Still holding strong at the school and house, typical problems and issues. One thing that sucks for me but is awesome for my clients is the amount of people we have seen graduate the program and go home. Sucks for me because my case load has shrunk significantly, but great for the kids who get to go home. I feel torn about that too though because a lot of these kids were in the positions that they were in because of their situations at home. I suppose the best I can hope for is that they keep in mind all that they have learned during their time in Sitka and at the Hanson House. But no hugely entertaining stories for you guys.
Community wise, we have pretty much settled into our routines and work places which is pretty great. We are all slowly learning more and more about each other, which is also pretty fantastic. Jamie, our area director, came through again for a few days to spend time with us and talk with us about the year so far, and that was good for everyone. What came out of it is that we all really care about each other but are still striving to stay present with each other and work together to make our community an even stronger place to live, which is a pretty great conclusion to a visit, methinks.
We had a really fun night a few weeks ago. For the Super Bowl we went to one of the Americorps houses. We watched the games, hung around, ate some food, and had some good times. But then the game ended. At 6 PM. We all looked around and said, “What now?” Well, things settled down pretty quickly. Beer pong was engaged. Flip cup was played. Beer was consumed. We all just had a really good time with each other, heckling each other, making fun of each other, and just generally hanging out with a bunch of our friends. I think that is one of the nicer things about my community. We don’t drink a lot, and we drink in moderation. But we can also go out and have a really fun time. We appreciate the ability to let loose and have fun, but still keep it constructive. I have been drunk a few times with these people, and have loved every minute of it. It’s a good time for all. That and my community members say some pretty ridiculous stuff.
On an aside, it is tough sometimes to write these. As time goes on and as I have settled into my routine, things stay pretty similar. Sure, things change, but at the same time they are pretty subtle. Because of the confidentiality I have to maintain I can’t really talk about stuff that goes on at work. There is a lot that happens within my community, but at the same time I don’t feel I can talk about everything that happens here. Then there are all the things that are happening personally, but this isn’t always the forum for that. So sorry again for the delay, I seem to have hit a patch of writers block. And thank you for your patience.
Alright, one major thing did happen over the last month. We reconvened with all the other Alaskan communities in Juneau for our winter retreat. The setting was gorgeous. It was at the Shrine of St. Therese, right in the middle of the channel. We saw all sorts of things. Sea lions played right in front of us. Orcas and humpbacks swam by us. Orcas also massacred sea lions in front of us. With eagles soaring overhead. The grounds were beautiful. The people were awesome. I love coming back together with these people, even though I barely know many of them. But it is awesome talking about what it is that we do, our struggles, how our communities are getting along, and just connecting. Something about being in Alaska just brings people together. But we all were able to let loose and just be with each other. Our first stop may have had something to do with that. We all met up at the Alaskan Brewery after the Bethel group had landed, and the tour was awesome. The Alaskan brews are so good, and it was free and unlimited. I will be going back at some point in the near future. Then we all went and got ready to move out to the shrine. The retreat itself was on social justice, and the two women who led it allowed us to explore what social justice specifically means to us. What follows is the result of that.
‘Social Justice’ is always a term I have had problems defining for myself. Sure, there are all the textbook definitions, the theoretical discussions, the countless writings on the subject. But I have never really understood what it meant to me, even after taking a semester-long class on the subject. I wrote the following in my journal following the first reflection, in which we were asked to define social justice: “To me, social justice is striving to do right for those people around me, whether it be my community members, my family, or the population I serve. It means taking the time to listen to someone if they have had a bad day, or making the effort to rearrange someone’s schedule so they can play basketball. Or it means striving to change the system that allows people to slip through the cracks, to not get the attention they deserve.” Rereading that and reflecting on it, that definition seems too simple, too easy. But I realized that social justice doesn’t need to be complicated; in many cases, it needs to be simple. Seeking to simplify issues, to strip them down, makes seemingly impossible tasks attainable, by pinpointing certain objectives, by taking things day-by-day.
But then I took it one step further. My house recently started watching ‘Lost’ (awful decision, now we are hooked), and in a recent episode, Charlie is reflecting on his life and he flashes back to a moment where he saves a woman from a mugging in an alley. When he commented that anyone would have stopped and helped, he was informed that three people saw what was going on and continued down the road. During my next meditation I wrote the following: “Social awareness might be my greatest understanding of social justice…[but] Social justice means not to just simply be aware, but that you need to act on that awareness.” Intentions are great things. But they need to be acted upon. All of us have seen things that have prompted the thought, “That sucks, I should do something to help,” but then continued on our way. I am guilty of that on multiple occasions. Those times that we are able to see an injustice and act to rectify that injustice are the times when we accomplishing social justice.
I came to a pretty significant realization during this weekend, which came in a later part of the weekend. I kept coming back to the word ‘respect.’ This is a huge word while working with teens, or maybe that’s just the opposite word that I am used to hearing. But while I need to have respect for the people who I am working with, they also have to have respect for me. If my clients don’t respect me or the work I am attempting to do with them, there is not growth. They won’t listen to me or, more importantly, work with me if that lack of respect is present. But I also need to respect myself, and they have to respect themselves, otherwise nothing of note can be achieved. So much focus in social justice is on the marginalized, while not that much, in my experience, is on those practitioners of social justice, who strive for that justice every day. Oh, we hear about the incredible examples, the Ghandi’s and the Mother Theresa’s, but very rarely do social justice texts, at least the ones I have come across, mention those in the front line, dealing directly with people on a daily basis. I don’t want to make this statement and then have somebody say, “But what about…” So if you know of anything, let me know. And this is starting to get too incoherent, so I guess my point here is that respect needs to be present for all parties involved for anything to truly get accomplished.
Finally, we were asked what the ingredients of social justice were. The words I wrote down were empathy, selflessness, awareness, respect, restlessness, and effort. Any other additions? I am interested in your thoughts.
There is a lot going through my head regarding this topic. I suppose I am one of those ‘front liners’ this year, and I need to work on some of these things myself. To be a part of the conversation on social justice is such a privilege. Too many people are probably unaware of the issue, much less have the ability to devote time and energy to thinking about it. I doubt many of my kids are thinking about it, if any of them are. Tough stuff, and a tough concept to wrap one’s head about. Them’s the musings.
It was a good weekend. I hung around with some JV’s from Anchorage following the retreat, and we ended the night at the bishop’s, who made us lasagna. Great guy. Not a lot of time left until Folk Fest, in April, when more than 20 JV’s plus a ton of FJV’s will be descending upon Juneau for the weekend. I cannot wait to see some people again.
I hope everyone is doing well! As always, I miss everyone and want to hear from people.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Weirdest part of being home? Flushing the toilet.
Alright, so it has been quite a bit of time since I last updated. Right before I went home I think. So there is quite a bit to update. I guess I will start with being at home.
Well, when you only go home once in a year long time, needless to say there is quite a bit of running around to do, people to see, food to eat. And I did all of that. From the moment I got home I was doing stuff. Also did not really have a chance to rest. I took the GMAT on the 23rd so I went to Spot to study for a bit. Which led into talking and shopping with a friend. Whoops. The GMAT went pretty well, but I kind of realized I am not ready to go back to school. If I am not able to consistently study for one test I’m not sure that I am able to trust myself to study over the next few years. Then the friend carousal started. Met up with a bunch of people throughout the day, which was awesome. It was great to see some people who I haven’t seen in years, catch up, talk about what was going on. It was interesting to see home some relationships have changed. But as busy as that Wednesday was, it was mostly up and very little down.
Then we jumped into Christmas festivities, which were a ton of fun. It is really interesting to see how things change from year to year with my family. This year was different. Christopher being at school. Emma getting older and figuring out her place at Nardin. Erin finding out more about herself. My parents changing the ways they speak to us and figuring out our relationships as we mature. It all kind of converges on this one day, one of the few days over the past few years that we have all consistently been together. I remember just sitting back and being happy that we were all able to be home together. It was nice to catch up, and also nice to see how my relationships with my family members change. It was a great Christmas, followed up by our family coming over and having dinner. It was nice to interact with my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, talking about my experiences and my time in Alaska while also figuring out how everything with them was going. Oh, we also watched home videos the next day. Pretty crazy. I was a little shit, is what I realized. But we had a pretty great time looking back on past times we had as a family.
The rest of the break was nuts. Every day I had something planned with somebody. From Sabres games to heading out to Fat Bob’s to going out to dinner to just hanging around someone was always up for something. Needless to say I didn’t really relax over break but I was able to reconnect with some people and have some pretty necessary conversations, many surrounding my future and what I am planning on doing next year (still don’t really have a clue, but things are a little more clear), getting some feedback on the ideas that I have for my post-JV year, but also some conversations that I needed to have in the moment. All of these conversations have really eased my heart and my mind and have allowed to me recharge and refocus upon reentry into Sitka.
There were some difficulties being home though. It is hard to just hop back into a place that you have known your entire life, especially when it is such a contrast to the life you are living now. I spent quite a bit of money while home, not because I had to but because it was what I was used to. From a material stand point life in Buffalo is different than life in Sitka. The community check of $490 and the stipend of $80 only get me so far, and that is pretty much directly contrasted with my family and friends back home. Not that it was a bad contrast; I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it. It just led me to question the money that I was spending and re-evaluate that.
Being home was also interesting because I got a chance to look at my year thus far in a place that was outside of Sitka. Being away forced me to look at what I love and don’t love about Sitka, what my strengths and weaknesses are and how to work on those, and a few other things. I realized how much I appreciate my community in that I missed them a lot and was pleased to meet up with them at the Seattle airport (even if I did pass out for 2-3 hours there). But, after that period of reflection and talking about it (a lot) I realized, once again, how blessed and happy I am to be here right now with these people and having an opportunity to do what I am doing.
Of course, then I get back. And it is great to be back. But there are so many issues here and it seems so big. I hate seeing the people I am here to work with continually sabotage themselves. It is hard to not just step up all the time and do things for them. But at the same time they need to learn how to do some things by themselves. Sorry for being so vague; the whole confidentiality thing. But that is the biggest issue I have had so far, is dealing with my own emotions and struggles about these kids while I see them going down a path that I do not want them to go down. It is walking a tight rope for sure, and one that I can feel myself becoming jaded against. Not good. But I have identified it and am working on it. I can definitely see how people get burned out on this. I don’t think I am close to it, but I also recognize that I probably would if I stayed in this line of work.
But there are good things, I promise! Haha I continue to love my community members. From sitting with cigars on the back porch to poring over an almanac to prove a point to heading out to a bar with the lot of them it has been a great week. Monday night for our community night we had a scavenger hunt put together by Katie, and we had a great time getting everything together. It combined a bunch of things that we have a history with during our time here to just a bunch of random crap. The event left everyone smiling and just a little wet (sorry, couldn’t resist).
So in conclusion, I still have no idea what I am doing next year, home was awesome, while there are struggles here I am really happy in what I am doing and who I am doing it with. Go team!
Well, when you only go home once in a year long time, needless to say there is quite a bit of running around to do, people to see, food to eat. And I did all of that. From the moment I got home I was doing stuff. Also did not really have a chance to rest. I took the GMAT on the 23rd so I went to Spot to study for a bit. Which led into talking and shopping with a friend. Whoops. The GMAT went pretty well, but I kind of realized I am not ready to go back to school. If I am not able to consistently study for one test I’m not sure that I am able to trust myself to study over the next few years. Then the friend carousal started. Met up with a bunch of people throughout the day, which was awesome. It was great to see some people who I haven’t seen in years, catch up, talk about what was going on. It was interesting to see home some relationships have changed. But as busy as that Wednesday was, it was mostly up and very little down.
Then we jumped into Christmas festivities, which were a ton of fun. It is really interesting to see how things change from year to year with my family. This year was different. Christopher being at school. Emma getting older and figuring out her place at Nardin. Erin finding out more about herself. My parents changing the ways they speak to us and figuring out our relationships as we mature. It all kind of converges on this one day, one of the few days over the past few years that we have all consistently been together. I remember just sitting back and being happy that we were all able to be home together. It was nice to catch up, and also nice to see how my relationships with my family members change. It was a great Christmas, followed up by our family coming over and having dinner. It was nice to interact with my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, talking about my experiences and my time in Alaska while also figuring out how everything with them was going. Oh, we also watched home videos the next day. Pretty crazy. I was a little shit, is what I realized. But we had a pretty great time looking back on past times we had as a family.
The rest of the break was nuts. Every day I had something planned with somebody. From Sabres games to heading out to Fat Bob’s to going out to dinner to just hanging around someone was always up for something. Needless to say I didn’t really relax over break but I was able to reconnect with some people and have some pretty necessary conversations, many surrounding my future and what I am planning on doing next year (still don’t really have a clue, but things are a little more clear), getting some feedback on the ideas that I have for my post-JV year, but also some conversations that I needed to have in the moment. All of these conversations have really eased my heart and my mind and have allowed to me recharge and refocus upon reentry into Sitka.
There were some difficulties being home though. It is hard to just hop back into a place that you have known your entire life, especially when it is such a contrast to the life you are living now. I spent quite a bit of money while home, not because I had to but because it was what I was used to. From a material stand point life in Buffalo is different than life in Sitka. The community check of $490 and the stipend of $80 only get me so far, and that is pretty much directly contrasted with my family and friends back home. Not that it was a bad contrast; I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it. It just led me to question the money that I was spending and re-evaluate that.
Being home was also interesting because I got a chance to look at my year thus far in a place that was outside of Sitka. Being away forced me to look at what I love and don’t love about Sitka, what my strengths and weaknesses are and how to work on those, and a few other things. I realized how much I appreciate my community in that I missed them a lot and was pleased to meet up with them at the Seattle airport (even if I did pass out for 2-3 hours there). But, after that period of reflection and talking about it (a lot) I realized, once again, how blessed and happy I am to be here right now with these people and having an opportunity to do what I am doing.
Of course, then I get back. And it is great to be back. But there are so many issues here and it seems so big. I hate seeing the people I am here to work with continually sabotage themselves. It is hard to not just step up all the time and do things for them. But at the same time they need to learn how to do some things by themselves. Sorry for being so vague; the whole confidentiality thing. But that is the biggest issue I have had so far, is dealing with my own emotions and struggles about these kids while I see them going down a path that I do not want them to go down. It is walking a tight rope for sure, and one that I can feel myself becoming jaded against. Not good. But I have identified it and am working on it. I can definitely see how people get burned out on this. I don’t think I am close to it, but I also recognize that I probably would if I stayed in this line of work.
But there are good things, I promise! Haha I continue to love my community members. From sitting with cigars on the back porch to poring over an almanac to prove a point to heading out to a bar with the lot of them it has been a great week. Monday night for our community night we had a scavenger hunt put together by Katie, and we had a great time getting everything together. It combined a bunch of things that we have a history with during our time here to just a bunch of random crap. The event left everyone smiling and just a little wet (sorry, couldn’t resist).
So in conclusion, I still have no idea what I am doing next year, home was awesome, while there are struggles here I am really happy in what I am doing and who I am doing it with. Go team!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Before I leave...
My flight leaves in 5 hours. Weird. On a lot of different levels. I am interested to see how it is being home. It has only been four months, true, but these four months have been four of the more challenging months of my life. Currently, only three of us are here. Natalie and Evie left on Friday. So last night Katie, Nick, and I decided to go to the Channel Club, a restaurant down the road. I was pretty overwhelmed. First, the menu. Nothing was cheaper than $15. I was really confused and had a tough time figuring out what to order. Then, as the music started to play, the place got packed. We left pretty early because all three of us were just overwhelmed. As I sit here now I think about how 4 months ago those two things wouldn't have phased me at all. Crowded bars, while not preferable, were the norm in college, as were fairly pricey meals. Fifteen bucks might have been a pretty light meal on the weekends during college, and here I am overwhelmed with what was going on. It makes me stop and think about where I have been in my life, and where I want to go. But I am really excited to go home and see everyone. This will be the only time I get to go home over my year, so I am looking forward to it.
The past few weeks have been...interesting. Things have started to shift a little bit. First, my community. Recently we have been more...rambunctious than usual. The quotes we have been generating on a nightly basis leave us rolling on the floor laughing. "Anastasia" has currently become our unofficial movie. But at the same time, our conversations have been deeper, our understanding of each other has gotten to a point of comfort. A place that in the past has taken me years to reach with many of my friends I have found in four months. Pretty amazing. I love getting to know these people on a daily basis, and I still really look forward to coming home after work and spending time with them.
My placement has started to transform too. It has taken me a while to get integrated into the school, even with me transitioning to be there more. Talking to teachers, talking to counselors, and most importantly, talking to students has been a draining enterprise, but one that I welcome on a daily basis. The house has become a good place as well. While there have been challenges (much different challenges, even with the overlap in clients), it is good to see growth from those challenges, both personally and with the kids. The biggest transformation, though, has come with a pretty big realization: not every day has to be a huge day. I don't have to have some huge breakthrough with each kid for it to be a worthwhile day. Asking a question about basketball, about classes, about teachers, I have come to value these little conversations. The rapport isn't in the big conversations; that is built day by day in the daily interactions. I came to this about a week ago in a conversation with Nick, and my interactions with my clients, and really everyone, has been different. Not significantly. But I take what people are having to say and putting that into perspective, listen to what the person is saying instead of instantly analyzing it and coming back with some comment. Different for me, for sure.
Another thing that I have come to realize over the past few weeks came from a conversation with Zach when he was here. The first night we talked about the concept of being intentional, something I have never really actively done before this year. I have always been a fairly impetuous person, acting instinctively and very rarely thinking through many of my actions (especially during the period following my 21st birthday through graduation...). That has changed, for the most part, this year. Almost every decision I make I spend time thinking about my motivations. Is this against the commitment I made this year? What are some consequences of these actions? Who does this affect, other than myself? These are just a few of the questions that I have come to continually ask myself. I think the most concrete example of this was when my computer died a few months ago. I had the means to purchase a new computer, and even found a really nice one that was really cheap. I had no idea what to do. On one hand, I pledged to lead a simple lifestyle within my means, but also live in solidarity with those that I am serving. Some of whom would not have the means to purchase a first computer, much less a replacement. On the other hand, a computer does make it much easier to serve my clients. I can coordinate with people through email, write notes at a much faster rate, and look up things for my clients when they come into my office. And on a selfish note, it is much easier to keep up with everyone when I have a computer. Ultimately I decided to purchase a new computer. But through this exercise I found myself questioning my motives instead of whipping out my debit card and grabbing a computer "just because I wanted one." Even the smaller decisions, like "Should I buy this six-pack with some of my stipend money?" have become intentional. On an almost daily basis I talk about the dangers and the consequences of using alcohol, yet how much better am I if I go home and crack open a cold one? It is something I still struggle with, my alcohol use, as I go forward.
So those are the two thoughts I leave you with as I go home for Christmas. As I leave this world of simplicity and go back to the world of not-so-simplistic...at all, I find myself reflecting on the past four months. The highs, the lows, and the inbetweens. And I have found that the highs are really high, while the lows aren't really all that low, and saying "yes" almost nine months ago was one of the better decisions I have made. Hopefully I can continue to intentionally say yes or no to the rest of my journey here in the AK-rowdy.
The past few weeks have been...interesting. Things have started to shift a little bit. First, my community. Recently we have been more...rambunctious than usual. The quotes we have been generating on a nightly basis leave us rolling on the floor laughing. "Anastasia" has currently become our unofficial movie. But at the same time, our conversations have been deeper, our understanding of each other has gotten to a point of comfort. A place that in the past has taken me years to reach with many of my friends I have found in four months. Pretty amazing. I love getting to know these people on a daily basis, and I still really look forward to coming home after work and spending time with them.
My placement has started to transform too. It has taken me a while to get integrated into the school, even with me transitioning to be there more. Talking to teachers, talking to counselors, and most importantly, talking to students has been a draining enterprise, but one that I welcome on a daily basis. The house has become a good place as well. While there have been challenges (much different challenges, even with the overlap in clients), it is good to see growth from those challenges, both personally and with the kids. The biggest transformation, though, has come with a pretty big realization: not every day has to be a huge day. I don't have to have some huge breakthrough with each kid for it to be a worthwhile day. Asking a question about basketball, about classes, about teachers, I have come to value these little conversations. The rapport isn't in the big conversations; that is built day by day in the daily interactions. I came to this about a week ago in a conversation with Nick, and my interactions with my clients, and really everyone, has been different. Not significantly. But I take what people are having to say and putting that into perspective, listen to what the person is saying instead of instantly analyzing it and coming back with some comment. Different for me, for sure.
Another thing that I have come to realize over the past few weeks came from a conversation with Zach when he was here. The first night we talked about the concept of being intentional, something I have never really actively done before this year. I have always been a fairly impetuous person, acting instinctively and very rarely thinking through many of my actions (especially during the period following my 21st birthday through graduation...). That has changed, for the most part, this year. Almost every decision I make I spend time thinking about my motivations. Is this against the commitment I made this year? What are some consequences of these actions? Who does this affect, other than myself? These are just a few of the questions that I have come to continually ask myself. I think the most concrete example of this was when my computer died a few months ago. I had the means to purchase a new computer, and even found a really nice one that was really cheap. I had no idea what to do. On one hand, I pledged to lead a simple lifestyle within my means, but also live in solidarity with those that I am serving. Some of whom would not have the means to purchase a first computer, much less a replacement. On the other hand, a computer does make it much easier to serve my clients. I can coordinate with people through email, write notes at a much faster rate, and look up things for my clients when they come into my office. And on a selfish note, it is much easier to keep up with everyone when I have a computer. Ultimately I decided to purchase a new computer. But through this exercise I found myself questioning my motives instead of whipping out my debit card and grabbing a computer "just because I wanted one." Even the smaller decisions, like "Should I buy this six-pack with some of my stipend money?" have become intentional. On an almost daily basis I talk about the dangers and the consequences of using alcohol, yet how much better am I if I go home and crack open a cold one? It is something I still struggle with, my alcohol use, as I go forward.
So those are the two thoughts I leave you with as I go home for Christmas. As I leave this world of simplicity and go back to the world of not-so-simplistic...at all, I find myself reflecting on the past four months. The highs, the lows, and the inbetweens. And I have found that the highs are really high, while the lows aren't really all that low, and saying "yes" almost nine months ago was one of the better decisions I have made. Hopefully I can continue to intentionally say yes or no to the rest of my journey here in the AK-rowdy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)