This is why we can't have nice things

I reread my last post and I realized how...sunny it seemed. Look, I know that there are going to be times when I do not want to be here. The weather here, while beautiful, can turn on a dime. Rain starts and stops whenever it damn well pleases. The sun doesn't really like to come out from behind the clouds (although when it does it is like nothing I have ever seen). The wind can really gust. And I am sure when I am riding me bike to work at 3 PM and it is already dark out I won't be too excited. But still. I have been very happy here.

I finished my first week of work yesterday, and it was good. The more time I spend in my job and with the people its been good. It is going to be very challenging at times in a few different ways, but its going to be good. I hope...

::Disclaimer:: I am bound by confidentiality, so I won't really be able to talk about the particulars of my job and the kids I am working with. Even while writing progress notes and documenting work we have to use the kids' initials. Sorry, I would like to be sharing this even more with you guys, its just that, well, I can't. There are going to be many times when I am having issues with a kid that I will want to talk with someone about, but I won't be able to. So I will be speaking in a lot of generalities.

But I can speak a little more about the program I am working for. Starting with Hanson House. The average length of stay for the kids coming through there is about 6-9 months. The demographic of those kids falls into one of the two following categories: is severely emotionally disturbed (affected? What is the PC term for this?) with a pretty rough home life, or the judge told them it was either HH or prison. What would you pick? The current group of kids is great. While there are definitely some struggles with them, they are all very smart, personable, and a ton of fun to be around. I am there pretty much as a support for these kids, from anything to planning life after HH to helping with an algebra problem. I watch TV and movies with them, play card games, cook, make sure they get their chores done, that sort of thing. The more time I spend there the more I enjoy getting to know the kids.

Now, how do they get out of HH? Well, I am glad you asked. HH is a four phase program. Each phase has a different set of criteria to reach the next one, including a paper, a journal, and a project that is meant to contribute to the house. Each phase also has a few more privileges than the previous one. If you are at phase 2, you can sign out for one two hour period per weekend (most kids go downtown), at phase three that jumps up to two three hour sign out opportunities, and then phase four is two four hour sign outs. Stuff like that. Once they reach the graduation phase they begin to move out. Some kids blow through it, others take a little longer. But it really is a very good, if not great (I realize I use a lot of words likes 'amazing' and 'incredible,' so I am trying to be a little calmer with my praise) program. And I am very happy to have been placed there.

My time at Sitka High has been...well, different than the above mentioned experience. I have my own office and an open door policy. Basically any time one of YAS' clients needs some support they can come see me. Some of my HH kids are at the high school so they bug me for a few minutes each lunch period, but other than that...I had one person come use me in the two days I was there. It can get pretty boring. And they have a firewall that stops me from going to fun websites, such as Facebook and anything sports related, so now I actually have to read semi-intelligent stuff. I have read multiple sources about health care and a few articles on money and the recession and stuff. I actually really enjoyed it. Just, not as fun as others. Anywho, I suppose as the year goes on and new HH kids come to the high school I will have a little more to do. I hope...(huh, second time this post I have done that. Lot of hoping going on here. And I think that is a good thing)

Alright, community. We are getting to know each other better as each day goes on. I have really come to enjoy the time I get to spend with all of them. Our night have evolved to playing cards, reading together, our conversations have gotten deeper and more ridiculous as we have gone through this past month together. Last night we all drank together (minus Nick, who wasn't feeling too well), just in the house because we were all pretty wiped (I had worked all day and the girls had gone on a beach combing cruise). We just sat around, were ridiculous, and generated some great quotes. And then we woke up this morning and I was reminded why I don't drink vodka anymore. I went to mass last night, but the rest of my community members didn't. So that was a pretty long hour for the bunch of them. But it was still a really fun night, one that we all laughed about all day today. Especially when Nick read some quotes back to us that he had written down from the night before. Hilarity ensued. For our community night tonight we went to the arcade down the street. Awesome. But I don't know. I have heard some horror stories from people's time in the JVC, but I have lucked out that no major issues have arose yet. Granted, we are a month in. But still. I like them all and am really looking forward to spending more time with them.

Finally, we had our first spirituality night last Monday. I took charge and read a book that my mom left in my luggage called, "Matthew's Meadow." Great book, one that has been in my life since 1994 (it was written on the inside cover. Don't judge me). There are quite a few solid messages and lessons in the book, primarily covering using your senses to get to know the world around you (obviously an appropriate lesson for this year). But there is one quote I want to share with you, one that I had forgotten about.

"The unknown is simply the not-yet-known. Most people look for solutions within the known. If this is something you want to do, and you think it is impossible, I want you to look outside the known, not within it. Think beyond your thoughts so that you can find a way to do what you once thought impossible."

I, and quite a few other people I know, am going to be presented with a few situations that may appear impossible at first glance. A hard to get through to kid, maybe a troublesome circumstance. Hard to say at this point, for obvious reasons. But I feel as if this quote will go a long way in helping me deal with these situations, even if just to take a break and a breath to think about how I should deal with it.

So that is where I am at right now. Happy, hopeful, and apprehensive. Knowing that things are going well right now, but that could change fairly quickly. Also, still keep your eyes peeled for thoughts on social justice. Its a tough topic to put all my thoughts into. Until next time...

Alright champ, show me the back way. Take us home.

Alright, so it has been a little time since I have last updated. When last I reported in we were getting to know both each other and the surrounding community, and I am happy to report we are succeeding on both fronts. But I will get to that in a bit. First and foremost...

We started work! Alright, kind of. I have been a little frustrated these past few days. See, while my first day of work was last Monday, the 17th, it was an orientation. So was Tuesday (we role played on Tuesday...my SW friends will attest to how much I love that...). Wednesday I had the pleasure of taking a bunch of online seminars. Thursday and Friday were bully prevention seminars at the high school. While necessary and I am getting a lot out of these endeavors...I am just ready to start. Tomorrow is my first official day at the Hanson House and I am anxious. Thursday is my first day at the high school. Also, anxious. There is some cross over in clientele, but it doesn't overlap completely. All I know so far is that this is going to be a tough year. The more I learn about the kids and what I will be doing...wow, it is not going to be easy. It is good that I know this going in, but I am also just kind of...well, nervous about it. So yeah, that is kind of what is going on there. Having Mondays off is going to be both good and bad. I will have a ton of time and space to myself. But I will also have a ton of time to myself...Oh well, I am looking forward to the year.

The more I learn about my job the more excited I get. HH (Hanson House) basically operates under a positive peer culture, where the youth themselves are encouraged to help each other fulfill their duties and stay within the guidelines of the house. My role is essentially a support person. I don't really 'tell' the kids to do anything. Instead, I present consequences. For instance, "If you don't cook dinner, then you won't eat." Along those lines. Instead of being presented with successes and failures, it is internalized; the responsibility is on the kids to complete their tasks and accept responsibility if they don't. I really like this model. For those of you around during my Catch a Falling Star days you know I really disliked punishing the kids for their actions. So that is really cool. As I find out more I will post a better description of how this works.

Now the community. Being in a small community is awesome. You realize very quickly how easy it is to get to know everyone. Every time we go out we meet someone else and then they turn up somewhere else. This was apparent as we went out on Saturday do a sports bar called Kelly's. This place was packed (and it eventually turned into a Laclede's for the middle aged) and we knew everyone. And the people we didn't know we were introduced to pretty quickly. It was a lot of fun. Boat rides, potlachs, chilling out at the local bars (although with the prices we won't be doing too much of that in the future). Everyone has been extremely forthcoming with advice, tips, and other stuff. I don't know, I don't think I have ever felt completely supported by a community like I am right now. Everyone knows who we are. We 'played' in a 3-on-3 basketball tournament Saturday (it was ugly) and everyone came up to us and introduced themselves and talked to us. Yesterday we went to a cafe for brunch and listened to a folk band just jamming right next to us. As the time went on people came and left as they wanted to, but it was awesome to just sit there and listen to them jam out. Upright base, mandolin, a great harmonica player. we all just sat back and thought, "Wow, how awesome is this?" Again, as the year continues I will update you on our friends and what we are doing.

We finally took our first hike last weekend! It was, again, incredible (I am going to use that word a lot this year, I have a feeling). So pure and untouched...It is hard to use words to describe the scenery here. I can take pictures, but they just do not do the area justice. The clarity of the air. The feeling of the rain. The fact that I wake up to a different view every day because of the cloud movement. The mountains disappearing into the clouds is something I will never get tired of. When it is so clear that I can see for miles around the island and see the volcano...And then the knowledge that I will be here for the next year and see so many different sides of Sitka and Alaska is extremely reassuring. I really do love it here.

I was talking to my friends Lauren the other day, who is off the Nicaragua in a few months for JVI. We hadn't talked in a few months past a few texts and whatnot, but we had a really solid conversation. I just realized while I was talking to her how happy I am here now. Even knowing the challenge that is in front of me. Even knowing that I will not see you guys all that often, if at all, in the next year. I just feel like that my presence here right now is right. I don't know if I can expand on that anymore. The feeling is so solid, so strong. With interactions with my community members, with bike rides to and from work, walking around town with them, it just feels right. It can be very difficult for me to see God's hand in my life at times, but not right now. I am happy here. And that is weird to acknowledge. But yeah...

I hope everyone is doing well. Keep your eyes peeled over the next day for another post. I think I am going to write a little bit on the four core values of the JVC (social justice, community, spirituality, and simplicity) and what they mean to me. I think I am going to need to reflect on each fairly often over the next year, and posting them here I think will help me convey what I am feeling a little better. Until then...

Michael Scarn, FBI

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When did it become socially unacceptable for me to go to puppet shows? I am sitting here in the library next to one and I miss it. Maybe I can worm my way into one this year before the year is over...Also, after being here for only about a week, I can already pick out the tourists vs. the residents. They can be really annoying (I know right, I am sure I have been in that category before). But the cruise ships are massive and it is really cool to wake up and see them in the harbour. Oh, and I went on a run this morning. Took some time to stop at a river and watch the huge mass of salmon attempt to make their way up stream. Then I saw three bald eagles take off. I stood there in awe for a few minutes. It was one of the most picturesque things I have ever seen in my entire life, these three majestic birds flying through this causeway of trees. Unbelievable...

A few corrections before I launch into it:

• Our priest's name is Fr. Scott, not Fr. Steve. My bad.

• Also, my site is the Hanson House, not the Haven House. I have made that mistake more than a few times. And will probably continue to make that mistake for a little while longer. Forgive me that little bit.

Alright, now that we have that out of the way, again, very eventful few days now. We continue to find out more and more about the community, its members, and our roles. And we haven't even started our positions yet. Although we have started to gain a more significant picture of what those roles will be. But I also realize that I have been negligent in introducing my community, the people I will be sharing this experience with over the next year. So let me get into it.

Nick hails from Long Island originally, and went to school at Holy Cross, just outside of Boston. We are going to be room mates for the next year, and quite painless and easy decision we made at orientation. I think we both realized it would be much easier to decide that then without a fight and we both realized (and hoped) that the other was easy going and fairly easy to live with. Also, we got the room with the best view. He likes sports, although he is a Red Sox and New York Giants fan, and knows Lady Gaga from high school. Oh well, can't be completely perfect. We have gotten along extremely well in the short time that we have been together. Our conversations have ranged from simply sports to politics to religion, to opening up about our lives to each other. Maybe it is because we are the only guys in the house or because we are sharing a room, but I am probably the closest to him at this point. Nick is going to be the children's advocate at SAFV (Sitkans Against Family Violence...I think).

Katie is from Maryland and went to school at Mount St. Mary's. She has a sense of humor that is very similar to mine: sarcastic and insulting. Which means one of two things: we are going to be best friends at the end of our time, or never want to see each other again. There will be no middle ground on that front. We both have come to realize that and accept it and have just become ourselves around each other. We went for coffee this morning and while we didn't have a life-changing conversation, we still sat and got to know each other that much better. But very little time passes between the two of us when we aren't commenting on something the other has said. Katie is determined to find her husband here with a very strict set of criteria: he has to be a coastie (in the Coast Guard). Not a day has passed thus far without her alluding to it (and myself subsequently commenting on that). Katie will be the matcher at Big Brother, Big Sister of Sitka.

Natalie is native to Troy, Il, which is right outside of St. Louis, and went to Marquette University. She has been the 'quiet' one of the house so far, and I put that in quotes because no one has been all that quiet (when we are around each other we are always talking. If there are two of three there sometimes is quiet, but 4+ and there is constant conversation). Very art oriented, she has taken to making origami cranes and hanging them from her ceiling. Pretty sweet. While I have not spent a ton of time talking with her, I am looking forward to getting to know her better over the next year. Natalie is going to be the women's advocate at SAFV.

And last but not least is Evie. Evie was a late addition to our community (and by late I mean about a week before orientation started), but a very welcome one. She hails from Seattle, and went to school at Western Washington. She applied late after being spurned by TFA. Oh well, their loss is our gain. Evie is a great person to have around, always having an opinion on something, but still very open and welcoming, always hearing out what you have to say. Always gung ho about everything, she is often the first one to offer a greeting, to volunteer to do something, or just to hang out. In a stroke of genius, Evie brought seasons 1-4 of 'The Office,' which has led to our nightly community Office meetings, a nightly occurrence that all of us look forward to. She also led our spirit animal quest (mine was a bald eagle). Evie will be working as an outdoor something or other at ORCA, an acronym that I do not know the meaning of. So that is my community, a group of people I didn't know until last week who will play a significant role in my life.

We have toured a few of the work sites recently. First up was SAFV where we met Meg, a FJV and Buffalonian, introduced us to the staff and to the work she does, as well as the work Nick and Natalie will be performing. SAFV is a women's and children's shelter for victims of domestic violence. The work they will be doing is apparently similar to the work I will be doing. But we will figure that out as time goes on. Next up was Katie and BBBS. Her super is a really nice guy who likes to talk...a lot. A few jokes have been made about that, but it seems as if Katie will be doing a lot of different things. One thing that was apparent during our time there was that James, who was just hired about two months ago, has a lot of pretty big plans over the next few months for BBBS, which is great. He is really ambitious and it seems as if Katie has a great opportunity to be involved with that. Not sure about Evie and ORCA yet. Because of her late entry we weren't able to set up a site visit because everyone is on vacation. Oh well.

Yesterday, Thursday, we trekked out to my site (it is going to be a bike ride every day...about two miles or so) and it is going to be one hell of a time. Basically, it is a home for kids for up to two years. Living room, kitchen, etc etc, and then the staff, who is there to facilitate everything. From programming to making sure kids get to their appointments on time, to just hanging out. Basically what I have said in the past. Hanson House is actually under the umbrella of Youth Advocates of Sitka (YAS), and they do a ton of work with youth from ages 5-18, mental health being their primary focus. My job will have two hats. The first is at the Hanson House, being there for the kids. I will be there two nights a week (most likely Tuesday and Wednesday) and on Saturdays during the day. The second part of my job is going to be in the high school, taking care of issues that come up with YAS clients throughout the day. I will have an office and all that fun stuff. I will most likely be there Thursday and Friday. While I am not going to be around the community as much as some of us would like, I will be around enough, and I will hopefully be providing some solid support for these kids, some of whom I met yesterday. I am really looking forward to starting. Training and orientation Monday and Tuesday. I am under confidentiality though, so I am not sure how much I will be able to share here.

Alright, so that is that. My community and their jobs. As well as a little better picture of my job, which I am sure I will gain a better picture of as time moves forward.

I have set a few goals for myself this year. Starting with getting in better shape and living a healthier lifestyle. There is a half marathon in November that I believe I am going to try and run. Then there is a marathon in Juneau I am thinking about running. I am definitely going to try to run the marathon in Anchorage which starts at midnight on June 20^th. I think that would be pretty sick. There is also a triathlon here in Sitka in May, and if I have a viable bike I am going to try and get through that. Also, at each retreat the Alaskan guys will be having a fitness challenge, consisting of push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, and wall sits. All of which I am not incredible strong in. While the chances of me winning are fairly slim, I still think it would be a good chance to improve my strength and general fitness level. I will be mapping at least my running. I don't want to embarrass myself by mapping the other stuff :).

I have one more goal this year. Back in July I was hanging out with one of my friends in Buffalo, someone who has just started to learn the guitar. She wanted to play a song for me, and even though I was exhausted I agreed and she pulled out the guitar. As I was basically passing out on the couch she started talking about how hard it was to sing for someone, and that there really was no point in it being incredibly difficult. We had a brief conversation (and by brief I mean I threw a few comments and grunts in while she spoke most of the time) about how vulnerable it makes one, singing for someone. To open up that much to someone is difficult. So many people are not very optimistic about their musical ability, so to open up that window for people can be very hard at times. I have not made myself vulnerable for some time, for an number of reasons. I have some pretty hardcore defenses up, and those are heightened now that I am in a completely new place with new people experiencing new things. Incredible things, but new things. I hope that soon, not right away, but soon, I become vulnerable enough to sing in front of someone. To open myself up and let someone in. Because until I am vulnerable it will be very difficult to help those I am being called to help. How can I expect to earn someone's trust when I am not opening myself up to them at all? Over everything, this is my number one goal for the next year.

And by the way, the song she sang was beautiful.

Once you accept that you are going to be wet, you will be much, much happier...

That advice was given to us by our new friend Tyler, who took myself, Nick, and Natalie salmon fishing today. Terribly unsporting, but made for a good dinner. Anyways, I have made it and I am in Alaska! Sitka is gorgeous. It is so pure and beautiful. But let us start back at the beginning...

Last Sunday, August 2nd, Zach and I met up in Portland to hang out and explore the city. That was awesome. We explored the Saturday market (is pot legal in Oregon? Any one have any clue? They had a ton of pipes at 3 or 4 stands) and the Pearl District, the Elmwood/Central West End/Washington district of Portland. Had linner at a cool micro brewery. We then were lame and turned in early because we had been up for almost 20 hours. Then we went off to orientation...

After guessing wrong on a college aged girl with lots of luggage (a common sight at the Portland train station apparently) we met up with Julia and Sean, two kids who were heading off to serve others as well. we struck up a conversation with the two of them, and then met up with the rest of our group. Turned out we all knew the same people. "Oh, you went to SLU. Do you know so-and-so?" "Yes, they were some of my best friends," was a common conversation had over the course of the week. Oh the small Jesuit world...We then arrived at Camp Adams (Sorry for the 'And then this happened. Then we did this.' Hoepfully that will end soon...) and checked in and started to all get to know each other. After an amusing time at the swimming hole we all started to meet up with people in our communities, as well as other JVs. It was then I realized that it sucked that I was meeting all of these people, because I won't be seeing them this year. I will go on retreats with the other people who are in the Alaskan communities, but as for those in the lower 48...nope. Kind of a sucky realization, especially since I got to know some people pretty well. The bonds we formed were pretty amazing. The sense of solidarity we had sitting in really uncomfortable chairs, singing campy songs, and realizing that we weren't just going on vacation, but really and truly commiting a year of our lives to those less fortunate really is a powerful force. Anway, after a week of pretty intense conversations and games of Jenga, tossing the disc around, and just generally enjoying the camp, it was time to leave Camp Adams. After five months, it was finally here, I was finally going to Alaska.

It was a long day of travel, but we got here on time. Flights were easy, and the fly-overs were incredible. Landing in Sitka was...wow. It is so beautiful here. Even in the rain it has a sort of untouched beauty that I have never seen anywhere else. It is hard to explain but I am going to try. Through words and through pictures. Our house is located about 100 feet off the water. There is a house and a road seperating us. We are surrounded on three sides by mountains. The fourth side being water. There are two main roads, each of which run about 7 miles outside of town and end with a big sign marked, "End." I know. Suspenseful. But the ride is incredible. Hopefully I will be running that soon (more on that later). The town is very small, only three grocery stores (I almost typed supermarkets, but, yeah, that would be a lie). Other than that, not too much going on. Oh, and tons of hiking trails. We have a book in our house with all of them listed. Cannot wait to get started on those guys.

The people. The people have been incredible. We got to the airport on Saturday and there was a welcoming party out in full force. FJVs, supervisors, kids. It was awesome. At Mass yesterday the priest (Fr. Steve) noticed us walk in and had us stand up and be welcomed. Eileen, a FJV (former JV), took her entire day to drive us around town. Today, I went fishing with a guy named Tyler, a third grade teacher here who supplies a lot of meat to volunteers around the area. We are some of the first to actually go and catch them with him. I fileted my first fish today, a salmon! Also fired my first gun, almost went deaf. He offered to take us deer hunting and along his trap line, and I may take him up on that offer. I think it would be really interesting to go hunting with him to actually get our food. Tomorrow and Wednesday we are going to potlachs. I really don't know how to express how strong the support is for the JVs here. It really does seem as if we are supported more by the community than we support them. Anyway...

Our first day of work is on Monday. Katie's super stopped by today with some paperwork and stayed for a little while. He asked us all where we were assigned. When I said Haven House, he sort of stopped and said, "Wow, you are in for a challenge." Probably my first true reminder about why I am here. See, right now it really feels as if I am here on vacation. I am here with 4 people the same age as me and I am going fishing and hanging out and getting stuff done. But I am not working. I am not doing what it is I was sent here to do. And that day is coming soon. I still find myself conflicted. It is hard to be here without any of my supports. But it is going to be good for me...I hope.

Library is closing so I am going to finish up here. The deal with this blog: I will update every week or so, sometimes twice. I will not be recounting my days, instead going over the key points, putting forth my thoughts, ideas, good times, challenging times. Hopefully painting a good picture of Sitka, its residents, and the people I am serving, as well as my community members. As the year goes on I hope to introduce you to them, because they are some pretty great people. If you want to check out the pictures I have taken already:

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