A much needed update

Again I find myself waiting a few weeks to update. Rather, not really having the time that I would like to update. But I will try to make this one a little longer (as if these aren’t long enough). Things have continued to snowball and become bigger and bigger, demanding more of my time and energy. I recently had a small exchange with a friend doing JVC in Houston, Gabe, and she stated that she has found herself busier while there than at school, if that was possible. I find myself realizing the same thing. And yet I find myself enjoying it. I enjoy the struggles. I enjoy the questions. I enjoy the productivity. But most importantly, I enjoy the people that have been chosen to be me with me throughout this year. I know I have harped on the community, but as each day passes and we spend more time together, the strength of, well, us is extremely reassuring. To know that I have that environment to go home to is a constant reassurance of the support that has been placed around me, both here and at home. A quick snap shot of our past few nights:

Two members running around at 11:30 PM attempting to pants each other, which leads to one screaming like a monkey and waking up our fifth community member.

Watching “The Office” and “Community,” while knitting, reading, and commencing conversations when the commercials come on and promptly cutting them off when the commercials are over.

Planning on our potlatch with Sarah Palin (more on this later).

Just a snap shot. But a pretty great representation of our time here. All the while taking about poop and farting (anyone remember doorknobs? It has experienced something of a revival in our house). And while we may not sleep together in a tent every night, I would say we have gotten pretty close.

I think that simplicity is quite possibly one of the most overwhelming concepts that I have tried to wrap my mind around. It is pretty hard to be simple when we get so much thrown at us! For instance, the Sea Mart milk man stopped by again. I realized this when I got home to six bags of tortilla chips on the counter. “Uh. Why do we have six bags of tortilla chips sitting here,” was my response to that. Being the money man of the house, I tend to worry about such things. “Oh, we don’t have six,” was Nick’s response. I then proceeded to search around the kitchen to find four more bags. That is right, ten bags of tortilla chips. I was unaware that tortilla chips could even go bad. Oh, and then I opened up the fridge and found two blocks of cheese, one moldy, and six pineapple cottage cheeses. After expressing my disbelief that people actually liked pineapple cottage cheese (One response: Uh, apparently not), we laughed for a bit. But the generosity of people in the town has really surprised me. And it isn’t even deer season when we will have deer dropped off pretty regularly. It is just hard to live completely simply when so many people are giving us stuff. In my mind it continues to speak about how important agencies like the JVC or the Diocesan Service Corps (or DSC…shameless plug mum ) are considered to be by local communities. And how proud I am to be included in that legacy.

The struggles. Recently, past insecurities have started to creep into my psyche. From questions as small as, “I wonder if so-and-so actually likes me,” to, “Am I really the best person for this job,” or, “Is this really what I should be doing with my year?” To even question who I am and my motivations. It is hard being here. It is hard waking up, hearing the driving rain, and forcing myself to get out of bed and get to the shower, even knowing that I have to ride my bike that two miles to work, uphill (but only one way) in that wind and that rain. It is hard balancing my insecurities with the insecurities of a teenager (although sometimes I have used that to relate to the kids). But within that comes the questions of boundaries…again. I have fielded some really fun questions over the past two weeks or so. “How much did you drink in college?” “Have you ever been in love?” “How many girls have you dated?” “Have you ever been arrested?” “What is the worst thing you have ever done?” Some of these I can redirect or reframe, or in some cases even state, “You know, I don’t think I should be sharing something like that with you.” But with each question comes answers and deeper consideration of any number of topics, at least at the internal level. But the differences from now and from my even more recent past? I am acknowledging these. In the past I was prone to letting them sit, trying to force them out of my comfort zone and ignore them until the built up and came out in an inappropriate setting or way, or at an undeserving person. Now, I find myself addressing them both internally (my journal has gotten a lot of use recently) and externally, with friends in ways such as letters and emails. I think that is the one way I have changed the most in the past year; when something is bothering me I search out a way to address it in a fairly timely fashion. I understand that not all of my problem will be solved instantly, but it does help calm me down and approach it rationally, rather than let it build up. So that is good, I suppose. (And I am not telling you guys this to get reassurances; while they are helpful I am certainly not fishing. Just trying to give you guys a decent representation of my mindset and attitude.)

Probably the biggest event in the past two weeks was the blessing of the presence of our area director, Jamie, who is a SLU grad. It was great to have her here. Just being able to vocalize my year to someone who has had her own time to reflect on her year in the JVC and a sounding board to talk about my experiences in such a personal manner was incredibly helpful. We went on a great hike, which went from Herring Cove to Beaver Lake. If anyone comes to visit, I can tell you that will be the first hike I take you on. The scenery was amazing (as usual) and it was not a difficult hike. The first twenty minutes or so was uphill, but after that is was relatively level. It was a nice hike, and one that I really enjoyed. Obviously. Then Jamie led a great spirituality night, one that was centered on readings from a book on liberation theology, a subject I admittedly have very little knowledge on. But again, it was great to reflect in that setting, getting questions and thought provoking prompts on our time here. After the first two nights it really seemed like we had a sixth community member. But unfortunately she had to leave after five days here. She flew off to Juneau to spend time with the house there, and then she will continue on to Bethel and Anchorage where she will meet us for our first retreat. So with good wishes and many a, “See you in Anchorage!” she was off and on her way.

This week has been pretty low key. Nothing really happened Monday. Katie and I woke up at 7:30 to go on a hike that was pretty awesome. There were a ton of stair, but when we got to the top and walked along the ridge line it was awesome. Then the past few days have been work. Except for yesterday. Well, I worked yesterday. But October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, at least here in Sitka. Nick and Natalie work at the DV shelter in town, so we went to the kick-off. While cool to see all the support, the proceedings admittedly kind of dragged on. Then we got to the open mike portion of the night. A young man who calls himself Half-Smoked (he is half white and half Native) performed a song he wrote. I forget the name of it, but it was all about the struggles that he has been through in his life and the times that he has felt helpless. Most of the song was about seeing his mother be physically abused and his lack of ability to help her or stop the act. As I looked around the room we were in I saw more than a few tears in the eyes of many of the people who were present, men and women. I listened to the lyrics, shocked at both the raw intensity of the language and the passion at which he recited those lyrics. I found myself stepping back for a moment, viewing the situation from a different perspective. I have always been aware of domestic violence. While in social work classes it came up quite frequently. But, as in everything, there is difference in being aware of something and actually being in the presence of someone who has experienced it. I am not going to pretend to be an expert on this. Or even to have spoken to these women I found myself surrounded by, to have heard those stories. I will leave that to my community members who deal with that reality every day. But seeing the pain and, more importantly, the healing in that room opened my eyes to the reality of that situation. I suppose that is the core of my being here, in Alaska and the JVC, to open my eyes to those realities, to not push them under the rug because it can be uncomfortable to discuss or even face. My life has been pretty solid thus far. Sure, I have had my fair share of ups and downs, may have been bullied and put my trust in the wrong places along the way. But at the end of the day, I have had a life that has consisted of a family that loves me, friends that care about me, and opportunities that many, many others haven’t had. And while I will probably not be involved in a career that will be a social service, I can still use the skills and the experience I have in both my every day business dealings as well as my outside interests. I wouldn’t say this is a ‘guilt trip’ or anything like that. At some point I just feel that I have some responsibility to put this experience, along with the many other justice-related experiences I have had throughout my life, to use. I have no idea what that is going to look like just yet, but as time goes on I hope that I am able to figure that out.

Alright, looking towards the future. I have two potential projects coming down the pipeline that would make time here A) more fun and B) more meaningful to me. I am reluctant to share those just yet because I am not certain on what those will look like or even if they come together, but as those evolve and I get a better picture of what that looks like I will make sure to keep you guys updated. I also have had some questions about what life after JVC is going to look like, but again, I want to get my head screwed on right before that as well. But. I will be going to Anchorage for a few days before my retreat. I got pretty close to a few of the guys in Bethel and John invited me to hang out with them for a little while before the retreat. Hiking, exploring Anchorage a bit. I hope it’ll be pretty cool. We should probably let the Anchorage house know…but I am looking forward to that. But coming up on October 18 is Alaska Day! I am pumped. We have two bag pipe bands coming in, one from Seattle, one from Juneau, pretty much every Alaskan politician, including Ted Stevens, he of ‘Bridge to Nowhere’ fame, and apparently a lot of drunken revelry. The ferry schedule is adjusted so that we have a ton of boats coming in. There is an entire week of festivities including an open house at the Coast Guard base, many events in and around town, and then the parade on that Sunday, the 18th (the actual week is the 11-18). But we will be extending an invitation to Sarah Palin to join us for dinner one night. To show support for the thousands of Americans who are giving up their time and energy to providing service to their country. Or something like that. If that happens, the title of this blog will be changed to “My JV Year; Or How I met Sarah Palin.” And you can all hold me to that.

Oh, and Bills? Please stop sucking and beat the Dolphins. Please?