Before I leave...

My flight leaves in 5 hours. Weird. On a lot of different levels. I am interested to see how it is being home. It has only been four months, true, but these four months have been four of the more challenging months of my life. Currently, only three of us are here. Natalie and Evie left on Friday. So last night Katie, Nick, and I decided to go to the Channel Club, a restaurant down the road. I was pretty overwhelmed. First, the menu. Nothing was cheaper than $15. I was really confused and had a tough time figuring out what to order. Then, as the music started to play, the place got packed. We left pretty early because all three of us were just overwhelmed. As I sit here now I think about how 4 months ago those two things wouldn't have phased me at all. Crowded bars, while not preferable, were the norm in college, as were fairly pricey meals. Fifteen bucks might have been a pretty light meal on the weekends during college, and here I am overwhelmed with what was going on. It makes me stop and think about where I have been in my life, and where I want to go. But I am really excited to go home and see everyone. This will be the only time I get to go home over my year, so I am looking forward to it.

The past few weeks have been...interesting. Things have started to shift a little bit. First, my community. Recently we have been more...rambunctious than usual. The quotes we have been generating on a nightly basis leave us rolling on the floor laughing. "Anastasia" has currently become our unofficial movie. But at the same time, our conversations have been deeper, our understanding of each other has gotten to a point of comfort. A place that in the past has taken me years to reach with many of my friends I have found in four months. Pretty amazing. I love getting to know these people on a daily basis, and I still really look forward to coming home after work and spending time with them.

My placement has started to transform too. It has taken me a while to get integrated into the school, even with me transitioning to be there more. Talking to teachers, talking to counselors, and most importantly, talking to students has been a draining enterprise, but one that I welcome on a daily basis. The house has become a good place as well. While there have been challenges (much different challenges, even with the overlap in clients), it is good to see growth from those challenges, both personally and with the kids. The biggest transformation, though, has come with a pretty big realization: not every day has to be a huge day. I don't have to have some huge breakthrough with each kid for it to be a worthwhile day. Asking a question about basketball, about classes, about teachers, I have come to value these little conversations. The rapport isn't in the big conversations; that is built day by day in the daily interactions. I came to this about a week ago in a conversation with Nick, and my interactions with my clients, and really everyone, has been different. Not significantly. But I take what people are having to say and putting that into perspective, listen to what the person is saying instead of instantly analyzing it and coming back with some comment. Different for me, for sure.

Another thing that I have come to realize over the past few weeks came from a conversation with Zach when he was here. The first night we talked about the concept of being intentional, something I have never really actively done before this year. I have always been a fairly impetuous person, acting instinctively and very rarely thinking through many of my actions (especially during the period following my 21st birthday through graduation...). That has changed, for the most part, this year. Almost every decision I make I spend time thinking about my motivations. Is this against the commitment I made this year? What are some consequences of these actions? Who does this affect, other than myself? These are just a few of the questions that I have come to continually ask myself. I think the most concrete example of this was when my computer died a few months ago. I had the means to purchase a new computer, and even found a really nice one that was really cheap. I had no idea what to do. On one hand, I pledged to lead a simple lifestyle within my means, but also live in solidarity with those that I am serving. Some of whom would not have the means to purchase a first computer, much less a replacement. On the other hand, a computer does make it much easier to serve my clients. I can coordinate with people through email, write notes at a much faster rate, and look up things for my clients when they come into my office. And on a selfish note, it is much easier to keep up with everyone when I have a computer. Ultimately I decided to purchase a new computer. But through this exercise I found myself questioning my motives instead of whipping out my debit card and grabbing a computer "just because I wanted one." Even the smaller decisions, like "Should I buy this six-pack with some of my stipend money?" have become intentional. On an almost daily basis I talk about the dangers and the consequences of using alcohol, yet how much better am I if I go home and crack open a cold one? It is something I still struggle with, my alcohol use, as I go forward.

So those are the two thoughts I leave you with as I go home for Christmas. As I leave this world of simplicity and go back to the world of not-so-simplistic...at all, I find myself reflecting on the past four months. The highs, the lows, and the inbetweens. And I have found that the highs are really high, while the lows aren't really all that low, and saying "yes" almost nine months ago was one of the better decisions I have made. Hopefully I can continue to intentionally say yes or no to the rest of my journey here in the AK-rowdy.