Weirdest part of being home? Flushing the toilet.

Alright, so it has been quite a bit of time since I last updated. Right before I went home I think. So there is quite a bit to update. I guess I will start with being at home.

Well, when you only go home once in a year long time, needless to say there is quite a bit of running around to do, people to see, food to eat. And I did all of that. From the moment I got home I was doing stuff. Also did not really have a chance to rest. I took the GMAT on the 23rd so I went to Spot to study for a bit. Which led into talking and shopping with a friend. Whoops. The GMAT went pretty well, but I kind of realized I am not ready to go back to school. If I am not able to consistently study for one test I’m not sure that I am able to trust myself to study over the next few years. Then the friend carousal started. Met up with a bunch of people throughout the day, which was awesome. It was great to see some people who I haven’t seen in years, catch up, talk about what was going on. It was interesting to see home some relationships have changed. But as busy as that Wednesday was, it was mostly up and very little down.

Then we jumped into Christmas festivities, which were a ton of fun. It is really interesting to see how things change from year to year with my family. This year was different. Christopher being at school. Emma getting older and figuring out her place at Nardin. Erin finding out more about herself. My parents changing the ways they speak to us and figuring out our relationships as we mature. It all kind of converges on this one day, one of the few days over the past few years that we have all consistently been together. I remember just sitting back and being happy that we were all able to be home together. It was nice to catch up, and also nice to see how my relationships with my family members change. It was a great Christmas, followed up by our family coming over and having dinner. It was nice to interact with my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, talking about my experiences and my time in Alaska while also figuring out how everything with them was going. Oh, we also watched home videos the next day. Pretty crazy. I was a little shit, is what I realized. But we had a pretty great time looking back on past times we had as a family.

The rest of the break was nuts. Every day I had something planned with somebody. From Sabres games to heading out to Fat Bob’s to going out to dinner to just hanging around someone was always up for something. Needless to say I didn’t really relax over break but I was able to reconnect with some people and have some pretty necessary conversations, many surrounding my future and what I am planning on doing next year (still don’t really have a clue, but things are a little more clear), getting some feedback on the ideas that I have for my post-JV year, but also some conversations that I needed to have in the moment. All of these conversations have really eased my heart and my mind and have allowed to me recharge and refocus upon reentry into Sitka.

There were some difficulties being home though. It is hard to just hop back into a place that you have known your entire life, especially when it is such a contrast to the life you are living now. I spent quite a bit of money while home, not because I had to but because it was what I was used to. From a material stand point life in Buffalo is different than life in Sitka. The community check of $490 and the stipend of $80 only get me so far, and that is pretty much directly contrasted with my family and friends back home. Not that it was a bad contrast; I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it. It just led me to question the money that I was spending and re-evaluate that.

Being home was also interesting because I got a chance to look at my year thus far in a place that was outside of Sitka. Being away forced me to look at what I love and don’t love about Sitka, what my strengths and weaknesses are and how to work on those, and a few other things. I realized how much I appreciate my community in that I missed them a lot and was pleased to meet up with them at the Seattle airport (even if I did pass out for 2-3 hours there). But, after that period of reflection and talking about it (a lot) I realized, once again, how blessed and happy I am to be here right now with these people and having an opportunity to do what I am doing.
Of course, then I get back. And it is great to be back. But there are so many issues here and it seems so big. I hate seeing the people I am here to work with continually sabotage themselves. It is hard to not just step up all the time and do things for them. But at the same time they need to learn how to do some things by themselves. Sorry for being so vague; the whole confidentiality thing. But that is the biggest issue I have had so far, is dealing with my own emotions and struggles about these kids while I see them going down a path that I do not want them to go down. It is walking a tight rope for sure, and one that I can feel myself becoming jaded against. Not good. But I have identified it and am working on it. I can definitely see how people get burned out on this. I don’t think I am close to it, but I also recognize that I probably would if I stayed in this line of work.

But there are good things, I promise! Haha I continue to love my community members. From sitting with cigars on the back porch to poring over an almanac to prove a point to heading out to a bar with the lot of them it has been a great week. Monday night for our community night we had a scavenger hunt put together by Katie, and we had a great time getting everything together. It combined a bunch of things that we have a history with during our time here to just a bunch of random crap. The event left everyone smiling and just a little wet (sorry, couldn’t resist).

So in conclusion, I still have no idea what I am doing next year, home was awesome, while there are struggles here I am really happy in what I am doing and who I am doing it with. Go team!